Law School Magazine

I hate the pompous drivel that make up so many law school magazines - created and edited by the usual Machiavellian chancers who will no doubt go on to become parish councillors in later life.

Other law schools don’t even bother with that.  They just dump a stack of copies of the Student Law Review on a table in the foyer and leave it at that.

But enough is enough.  There’s a gap in the market which needs a-filling and I think I’m the right kind of cynical sod to do it. 

So here’s the first edition of ‘The Law School Today’ – the law school magazine with a difference. I think we’ve got a cracking line up of features.

'appiness for employers

From Roll on Friday 14/07/11:

Scottish firm MacRoberts has joined the twenty-first century and released an app for the iPhone, which allows bosses to find out just how cheaply they can get rid of unwanted employees.

Yay.  And what employer doesn’t want that facility?

I’m pleased to announce I’ll soon be adding something similar to the ever-expanding line of Law Actually products and services.   

Called the ‘fire-o-meter’ (Fireometer) “fire-omm-eater”... you get how I’m saying that - it’s frightfully important!!), it will use your smart phone’s camera and facial recognition technology to spy on your employees and measure their productivity.  

There’s a nifty little slider which an iPhone or Android wielding employer can use to set his or her expectation levels for individual employees and if the camera spies them falling below that standard, it will ping you an email alert telling you to get rid.   Windows Phone 7 users will have to carry on waiting for this app.  They’re clearly gluttonous for punishment anyway.  

The app niftily links in to your employee records to determine when they started work (for the purposes of calculating notice periods) and what role they hold (or should that be held?)

The Fireometer has three defined levels for dealing with unwanted employees:

1. For the once-useful and formerly valued members of staff, it will suggest a one-to-one meeting in which you fire them in person and give them a parting, it’s-nothing-personal slap on the back.  Helpfully, the Fireometer automatically sets up the calendar entries and the meeting request for you.  If you prefer, you can pre-record the firing message via the app and simply press play to avoid any unpleasantness of having to verbally fire the individual in person.
2. Secondly, there’s the standard firing by email or text with the requisite notice, (all  fully automated).  The email contains a video of Donald Trump in typical culling pose with his firing forefinger fully extended in which he shouts, “You’re lazy, you’re stupid, and you’ve been nothing but trouble... you know what [X], You’re Fired!!”. 
3. Finally, for the most egregious shirkers and generally hopeless employees (and, let’s face it, there are a lot of them out there)  it advises you to, ‘stick them out with the trash’.   You’re left to interpret that as you please.

Naturally, we’re following the freemium model; the above functionality is available in the free version.  However, the paid version of the app does two extra things:

1. It fires an email with all the relevant details off to a local law firm which specialises in employment law so they can help clear up the resultant mess.  (btw, we’ve bullet proof T&Cs... all liability is excluded... so don’t come crying to us when you find yourself with an appointment at an Employment Tribunal).
2. It cross-checks the details of the role the ex-employee was doing and sends off requests to recruitment agencies for a replacement.  (Out with the old and in with the new and all that!!)

We’re expecting that law firms and recruitment agencies will be anxious to be included in this service.  Btw, if that sounds like you, and you want to be added, just email: suckers@fireometer.com for our standard terms and rates.  ;-)

I think you’ll agree: this added functionality is the perfect time-saver for the slap-happy employer who doesn’t have the time to source their own employment lawyer or fresh stock of employees.

Law School for Cretins – UK Edition

I realise that the true hay-day of ‘the dummies’ series of books has been and gone several years ago now and I think it’s fairly common knowledge that the vast range of topics on which these books exist almost beggars belief. It should come as no surprise, then, that there is a genuine ‘Law School for Dummies’ – pitched at US law school. Perhaps it’s only a matter of time before a UK edition of an equivalent title rears its head?

I’m all for good preparation and self-help (up to a point) though I’ve never been a big believer in self-help books per se – perhaps because of their generally patronising approach which invariably promise the world and fall woefully short or the fact they tend to lead the reader on a helter-skelter trip into the bleeding obvious. I’m not quite sure who would actually buy Law School for Dummies: potential students, the interested lay person – if such persons exist – or desperate students looking for shortcuts to success?

In the case of the latter category, sound, useful advice is always a good thing, I guess, though I feel that while some study techniques are more conducive to success than others, there are very few shortcuts or quick fixes to be found out there. Study methods are also a matter of personal taste – a fact I highlighted in my recent ‘How to revise for a law exam’ post.

I’m also not sure that dumbing-down the law school experience, what it demands from students and offering supposed shortcuts to academic success can be a good thing. The graduate market is already over-saturated with second-rate law graduates churned out from former polytechnics and encouraging more like ‘Paul-shouldn’t-have-gone-to-Uni’ to leap into the breach can surely only exacerbate the problem.

In fairness to the US edition of the book which I’ve electronically thumbed through (at least the limited preview available on Amazon, anyway) it did seem to strike a reasonably cautious tone in warning of the hard work ahead and so on. That said, the closing chapter is entitled, ‘Ten little-known Law School Secrets’. Yeah, good luck with those.

Maybe I’m being overly harsh here. Still, I find it vaguely troubling that the title ‘Law School for Dummies’ even exists. It can hardly stand as the proudest addition to a law student’s bookshelf and supposing you were gifted such a book for Christmas? I should imagine that such a present would take some serious bouncing-back from.

Pupillage Portal Survival Kit

As the Pupillage Portal application deadline fast approaches and applicants across the land are succumbing to 1st degree panic attacks and worse, the Pupillage Portal Survival Kit may be just what you need to, well, survive this mad dash to the finish.

It contains:

Copy of the pupillage portal for cretins – yeah, I’m still beating that dead horse.

A bumper pack of caffeine tablets

3 bars of choc actually – yes, we’re still trying to shift the stock which didn’t sell.  (It’s not been a hit, sadly).

12 sachets of super-high-caffeine instant coffee - it's actually common garden soil but what the heck.  If you're battling with the Pupillage Portal, you're a glutton for punishment already.

Novelty USB key for backing-up your saved applications, appropriately in the shape of a wigged barrister... anything for that extra motivation, you know!  :-)

2 special fold-out 1 handed computer keyboards – so you can complete two apps at once when you're really cutting that deadline fine.

Double pack of condoms - well, you never know!

2 waterproof matches - used to prop your eyes open when filling in the umpteenth application.

Newspaper headline letters already cut out - so you can craft those hate letters in advance to chambers which reject you or the  designers / code monkeys of the pupillage portal.

A trashy novel - if things get really bad or you want to slap yourself around the face with it!

2 OLPAS emergency flares (actually sticks of dynamite to be lit and held for an indeterminate period).

Any takers?

The Ultimate Pupillage Portal Guide

 

Sick of those Pupillage Portal applications?  Tired of trying to snare that elusive pupillage, only too aware that you’re surrounded by countless others in the same boat, all poised to pounce on the same opportunity?  Yes, it’s that time of year again: BVC-ers past and present have all joined the pupillage race, and have flocked to the Pupillage Portal in droves to submit those precious applications.  Fortuitously, help is at hand with the the brand new book, The Pupillage Portal for Cretins – which Law Actually is proud to endorse.

Penned by long-time ‘rejectee’ Carly ‘the chancer’ Collins, the book leads the reader on a helter skelter tour of how to play the portal to your advantage, whack in ‘crazy good’ pupillage applications and otherwise help you keep your head while all around you other would-be barristers are losing theirs.

It provides a no-nonsense guide to Pupillage Portal best practice which should stand any pupillage-seeker in good stead when going about those dreaded applications. It tells the applicant how, what and when to click, with additional computer mouse exercises for those who aren’t ‘natural mousers’.  What’s more, it comes with helpful pointers on exactly what chambers are looking for in candidates and a chapter dedicated to never-seen-before secrets of what’s really necessary to gain a pupillage. 

The later chapters are jam-packed with interview techniques and a sure-fire list of how to flirt, lie and possibly kill beg your way into a pupillage – should you get that far.

What everyone’s saying:

“Long overdue” – Lawyers of Tomorrow

“If you’re looking to maximise your negligible chances of gaining a pupillage, this book gives you the competitive edge you’ll need to out-compete your peers”, immoral BVC tutor, receiving a cut of the book’s sales.

“It’s like a personal trainer for pup-port apps”, Abigail, 23, fond of shortening words.

“It’s high time such a book hit the bookstores” – God knows.

“Lovely stuff” – Shakin’ Stevens

“This book’s perfect for the IT-adverse, the mindless chancers out there and all of the other hopefuls who have suffered too much past rejection and have just plain-run-out-of –ideas.”  - The Modern Barrister.

At just £14.99, can you afford NOT to buy a copy of The Pupillage Portal for Cretins today? 

Buy The Pupillage Portal for Cretins and get a FREE BAR* of choc-actually – the perfect treat to get you through those mind-numbing applications!!

It’s the chocolate for the Pupillage Portal season.

*While stocks last.

 

Choc-Actually: Chocolate Designed with Lawyers in mind

Coming to all good confectioners...

As Donald Trump might say, 'The confectionary industry... it's a big business.  And I want a slice of it ... (or should that be square?)

Introducing a new range of dreamy, creamy chocolate - designed particularly for a lawyer's vices.  Legal professionals, students and graduates  up and down the UK are discovering the revolutionary pleasure sensation that is Choc-Actually.  Made with 78% cocoa, it's sure to deliver 200% pleasure.  With a patented ultra-quiet foil wrapping, it won't give the lawyer with a craving away.  Choc-Actually so sensually satisfying, it never stops at one bar...

Be sure to  get your bar of Choc-Actually today, available at all good confectioners.

Choc-Actually...  Yes it's chocolate.  No actually - really!

What people / obscure publications are saying:

"Just what I needed to get through that deposition", Adrian, 42, slightly bored divorce lawyer.

"God that's good chocolate", 'Nicky', 24, trainee with a magic circle firm.

"I never really thought of chocolate this way before", Susan, 42, legal secretary from Hull.

The Chocolate-Box Review: "It's pure, unadulterated stimuli for the pleasure senses"

Generic Trashy Mag: "Yes, oh Yesssss!!!"

Guilty Pleasures in Chocolate: "it's instant gratification for lawyers - lucky them!".

"Oooh - it set my senses a-tingle", Rosie, 19, Law Student (quite the little madam).

Cocoa-Today: "Takes chocolate to a whole new level.... It's time to reconceptualise the chocolate experience ... [it's] sheer brilliance in a wrapper."

"This much pleasure can't be legal, surely?" - Justice of the Peace from Croydon.

"I just can't get enough, I can't", - Jamie, 25, Licensed Conveyancer from Cardiff.

Another trashy magazine ran with the story, "Legal secretary in shock-sensation ... caught chomping on senior partner's bar".

"You'll want a stock for your desk drawer", - Addictive Lawyers' Bulletin

"Cah-ching: It hits the spot, baby", - Loose Lawyer's Weekly.

"It's crazy, everybody seems to have a bar in lectures, seminars",  and “My lecturer imposes a 10 minute chocolate break during lectures now... it's the pick-me-up we all need - particularly in land law!” say generic students from new university.

"It's utterly choc-tacular" - The Enthused Observationist.

Confessions from a mid-life crisis: "My secretary's always trying to get her hands on mine..."

"It's quick and satisfying under-desk pleasure", says anonymous (and slightly desperate) paralegal, 22 from Rotherham.  "Thank God for that ultra quiet wrapping!"

"Not to be enjoyed judiciously - wow... they got that right", Anon.

"It delivers an instant high for needy law students" says student rep from undisclosed London university.

"Be prepared for ultimate pleasure-addiction", Anon.

"You'll certainly go off on a frolic of your own... who knew chocolate could be this satisfying", says High Court judge from 'the home counties'.

The Modern Barrister: "This is no ordinary chocolate bar - it's more like chocolate for the bar". 

“Seriously Goood!!  .... the client certainly wasn't getting my full attention.  But I don't feel guilty - after all, I'm a lawyer - I've done far worse!  ;-)”,  Rebecca, 27, solicitor with a craving.

Relaxation techniques for lawyers - relax-a-law

Introducing relax-a-law.  Over 6 hours of recorded audio comprising 101 deep breathing and relaxation exercises designed specifically for busy lawyers.  Now available for digital download.

Crazy long hours?  Manic case load?  Clients screaming for results? Hounded by the Solicitors Regulation Authority? Close your mind to all these worries and more and just drift away on a sensual journey into the unknown, with the soothing voice of Johnny Squaharlow.

Relax-a-law deep breathing exercises can be done anywhere: at your desk, in the boardroom, on the train - even in open court.

So the next time you’re stuck on a dreary conference call that seems it’ll never end, just stick them on mute and bung in your earphones.

Comes with a complementary set of massage oils.

Customer Testimonials:

“It’s brilliant, I feel so much more relaxed thanks to relax-a-law.  (I did get some funny looks from co-workers, though, with my heavy breathing.  Actually, they’ve reported me to HR.  But still, I’ll be much more relaxed for the disciplinary hearing).”

“It made me forget the misery of being a lawyer.”

“Johnny Squaharlow makes my skin crawl.  But my anxiety attacks have all but stopped”.

“relax-a-law totally changed my life.  After a relaxation session with the free oils, my colleagues won’t talk to me, I’m in the middle of a messy divorce and my career’s on the skids.  Thanks relax-a-law.”